Are you home before you realise it's home?

Home. I hadn't thought about it in years. Well that's wrong (new record for contradicting myself in a blog, 8 words)
I hadn't thought of anywhere as home in years. Every place, every shack, every town was simply further from home. We passed Murwilliumbah sometimes in our journeys and I saw it on maps. It was always home. Life with mum and David was home.

And now life had begun to settle down. Moves from here on would be relatively small. Redcliffe to Caboolture might be a fair hike, but it's a daytrip there and back for a kid on transport. I could still see friends. (Maybe worth noting that I still live within moving distance of these people and run into someone now and then)

So we're at the start of high school. The big move was to Deception Bay, I'm not sure why, I think an uncle was given a job out there. Odds are it was at some kind of RSl or Football club, it often was. He was that kind of cook. (not a chef I'm sure. Paul was a chef). So in some surreal and strange move we up and moved again.

Mum thought this would be good for us, the new high school was opening up next year. So we would be amongst the first students to attend. A permanent place in history... Or something to this effect. In actuality it meant we spent the first few months of the year getting organised, waiting for the gym to be built, breaking in all sorts of things. Including the illicit locker black market.

You see (and I hope this is no longer true) The school purchased lockers that were never intended for a broad community. You know the kind with the small silver keys that seem to be in every office. Well you see, these keys for simplicity reasons come in only a few varieties. This is so companies can easily replace them. Unfortunately...... if you are buying lockers for a school of 300 odd students. This means every person with a locker (all of us) has the same key as 15 other people. And they are numbered. So you do a painstaking, but simple visual check of every locker....... and find the ones that match your key number. As you could guess, we abandoned the lockers quickly.

Year 8 was the first time I ever saw explosives in use. We had a police officer come out to the school and demonstrate some things for safety reasons, including why even a detonator was dangerous to play with. We had all seen movies, bombs were big. That little pencil shaped thing in his hand was of no consequence.

He placed it in a coke can, and then into a cardboard box and walked off into the oval. It was led back to us by a cable and we waited. CLICK and we hear a muffled *BOOM* and dust flies everywhere. We were then advised to go and follow the cable and retrieve it.

No box, no can........ So no explosives for us.

What are other stand out moments...... During this year i had a crush on Amanda. She was beautiful and sweet and I gave her a rose and a poem on Valentine's day. She loved it, and tucked the rose into her skirt. I was ecstatic, my day couldn't have gotten better.

Until I overheard she had told her friend I was sweet and a good friend to have. (later to be a recurrung theme) And I asked her for the rose back. It was not meant to suggest friendship. So I shot it all down in flames. There's early teen logic for you. Can't have it all, so nothing.

This year was also my first major creative outlet. I broke free of the shell I had been in for years and lived it up. My best friend was Gavin and we were dorks. There was no question about it, and we did everything together.

Including our english assignment. It could be an oral presented in any format you liked. And had to be about quitting smoking. Ours involved the use of two Agro puppets. Ironically named Cig and Arette.

It landed us an A and had a classroom full of kids in stitches for over 10 minutes. This single entity taught me how much people value feeling good. It can disarm a situation and put people at rest. My love of comedy and providing entertainment would continue to grow...

This was also the first time I met someone from where I used to be. Not literally, just the same place on the economic ladder. His name was Ben. Ben was tall, gangly, and incredibly rich. Ben was also incredibly well looked after. Father missing from I don't know what. (Divorce? War?) And a mother who doted on him. Ben used to write more than the rest of us in his homework Diary. And we didn't know why. So one day, to end all speculation, we asked him. His mum packed his bags. So anything he needed done, he wrote in the book.

The rest of us would know if we needed a specific text book or not for the day, and would organise it as such when packing. Ben just wrote it down. He even wrote what he wanted for lunch, which strangely he never got. He always had roast lamb sandwiches on Mondays and Tuesdays (his mum was a tradituionalist and always cooked a roast on Sundays) and he gave the sandwiches to me. I have always been a big fan of roast sandwiches. So this worked well for me, Mum wasn't big into packing lunches at this time.

Two major higlights remain in my head. We made a video for a Sony film competition. Unfortunately Gavin never submitted our entry in time, so our million dollar prize never came. It was fun though and we got to take a few afternoons off class

The second........ And this is another big life moment. The trip to Canberra.

Lets deviate to my cousin. We're about the same age, we looked alike (skinny blonde kids) and we grew up fairly close together. So as young kids, we were the same kid. In fact I had two cousins like this.

But as we grew older we grew apart. We were just different people now. And it showed. So there was a girl, Rhiannon who lived in our street> We all hung out together and I called her chicken legs. Obviously we were very close. but secretly I liked her. As much as a young boy could.

My cousin was more direct, more up front, so she spent time with him... until one day, my uncle. The erroneous, show up every few years and bring gifts uncle announces he is taking her home. I'm asking why, she lives two doors down remember.
Seems not. She actually lives with her father in Canberra and has just been on holiday for 6 months with her Mum here. Or she was moving to live with her dad. It's a friday afternoon and he says it's almost a day to get there. He will drive down, drop her off and drive back.
I got asked if i wanted to go for company on the way back so my Uncle didn't get bored and lonely.
Mum was fine with it, so I jumped at the chance. I grabbed a quick bag of clothes, and jumped in the car with Rhiannon and my uncle.

The trip down was incredible. It had been over a year since I'd been on a LONG road trip and I was excited to pass towns and sights I knew. Additionaly, both kids sat in the back and we kept talking. By the time we were 4 hours away from Brisbane, we were holding hands across the car and as we fell asleep that night we were leaning on each other.
I remember being woken up at "Driver Reviver" stops along the highway and getting out for a stretch. Kids were always popular outside these small towns with Volunteers, so more than once we were given a bag of Kit Kats instead of just one. So a hot chocolate and bag of chocolate to keep us going on the road.

Our uneventful trip (except for young romance) continued on until the outskirts of Canberra. We knew it was close and had been counting down signs and kilometres for the last few hours. And then the car started to flash lights. Things did not look good. My uncle said we would need to push on (what logic drove this I don't know).

More lights came on... and the car stopped with a godawful screeching noise. We had run out of oil. Somehow it had leaked and parts of the car had simply refused to move without it. The engine was destroyed. There was no way to recover it.

Rhiannon's father came with a tow truck 3 hours later and we headed into Canberra itself.

We stayed here for a week, I'll write this up in the next post.
Sleeping on a floor, a desperate hand touch whenever we had the chance.... At this moment, I had returned to being only a guest.

Home again........

This was to be the last of the big moves. We were living in Victoria at this point. In a mobile home. We had been here not long ago to visit my uncle and his young bride. And now suddenly we were living here. the mobile home was our home.

I remember now the day we arrived here. To see my uncle. It had been months since i'd seen him. Months since he had arrived given us a watch and a backpack between us and then departed again. He was sitting on the chair when we arrived. It wasn't "a" chair. it was definitely "the chair" and he was playing nintendo. Super mario bros 2 I remember. Watching princess peach pull the vegetables out of the ground and throw them at evil koopas.

He also had a bird on his shoulder, a pink galah aptly named Apollo. You may realise this was not the first bird to be named Apollo. it seemed to be a family tradition.

So we meet him once again and his wife and we see the nintendo, the light gun, the sega and an awful carrot cake. I was made to try some against my better wishes and it was a poor decision. I'm sure that cake was a punishment for something.

And that's all of that meeting I recall.

We lived here for a few months before returning to Queensland. We even had a xmas. My sister and I both received a VHS copy of TMNT, and 2 of the turtles each. So between us a full set. I know i had Leonardo and Michelangelo, only because I remember which ones my sister had. I also had splinter and she received shredder. These videotapes stood out because they were green. The TMNT phemonenon was in full swing. I also received a remote control truck that xmas. It was reduced to clear for being faulty, but Paul fixed it. So I now had a very expensive remote control 4x4 truck. And could finally impress other kids with something I owned rather than knew.

The trip to Queensland came out of nowhere again, I don't recall it at all. I do remember visiting my Aunt again and then suddenly we were living with them. A few key points stand out here before i started school.

• We visited the local supermarket, and i had never seen a "pick and pay" section before. hundreds of tubs of lollies, spices, ingredients, many things you could pile into bags and pay for by the kilo. No more needing $3.20 for a bag of lollies, just buy as many as you can afford. (i always wondered why bay leaves were so expensive, it's because they don't weigh much folks. You can get a LOT of Bay leaves for a kg, hence the $76 price)
• This was my first celebrated Haloween. We went trick or treating and the only thing we got were Muesli Bars and a Ferrero Rocher each. I didn't like the look of it so handed it over to my cousin. And to this day still haven't tried one.
• It was exciting to be living near the beach again. It was nothing compared to the white sands of bowen, the giant basalt cliffs or the deep rock pools. But the water was so close and there was a salt smell in the air.
• We had a paper route together. All of us kids. Each Tuesday we would deliver the local newspaper from 6am. It paid $30 a week. And $10 a week for each set of pamphlets. Pamphlets generally came in sets of 6, so we made around $100 each week. Between us, $25 a head. not bad money for 11 and 12.

Then I started school. Right around the corner. It was an exciting time as primary school was coming to an end, for the second time. This is where I think I did the first heart breaking. We all break hearts and here was where i did mine. It was a school dance, and you came in costume. I was a space man. I had a silver jacket, silver gloves, a rocket pack and silver pants. All of this had been normal clothes spraypainted by Paul. So you can imagine how itchy it was.........and rubber gloves all night? not a good idea.

So here I am sweating and itching in my silver space suit. And Danielle asks me to dance a few times. I say no. I'm a young boy, I don't dance for anyone. A few boys did, but most of us did not, stood around drinking cordial and talking.

All of a sudden Danielle leaves crying. Now I can't be entirely sure if I did start to dance with one of the twins, or if it simply got to the point where she had enough. But she left crying and days later i find out this is because of me. She wanted to dance with me more than anything, and i couldnt do it. I was too scared. So she left, upset.

This was an important lesson. I did nothing. Therefore I couldn't have done anything wrong, yet I hurt someone without intending to. How does this world work. I didn't know how she felt, but apparently I should have.

To complete the Danielle story........ I obviously lost contact with her over the years, but we started talking again not long after high school finished. She sent me a formal photo which I still have in a photo album. She was beautiful. Stunningly gorgeous. And she was so very friendly to me. I did nothing to deserve such an angel, and I hope she found someone to treat her as she deserved to be. She deserved a permanent love.

And I was only a guest.

Sometimes we imagine it, and sometimes we don't

I'm talking about pain. Internal, emotional pain, and physical pain.
let's clarify something I was hoping I wouldn't have to say.
Paul. as many great stories as we have. The memories of playing in the pool, making monster movies, fake FBI badges, Zuchini dragons and ski-ing prawns, he was a monster.
There are so many other untold stories of nights drinking, empty bottles of beer and Ouzo. Screaming and shouting, fighting, punching, hair pulling, crying, falling, pain.

The things shown in movies, the horrors of drunken abusive families. And I could do nothing. I was small weak, unable to defend my mother from being hurt.
This was pain, real pain of both kinds. Burning striking pain of being knocked down for nothing more than going to bed. When told to.

And the emotional searing pain of being mocked, tormented and teased.
He was an alcoholic, a violent man, and possibly a sociopath. It was not a good time in life. But like many people we stayed. There was seemingly no other choice, and it's not to be dwelled on. I am not defined by these awful memories. I am strengthened by them.

My courage, my desire to love, to look after those around me grew from those moments.
He was not a man. He was an adult, and he should have been ashamed of it all. But he wasn't, he was probably unaware he had done anything wrong. And for that I should hate him. I should despise all he stood for and the fact that he existed. But I don't.
I don't give him thought. He does not deserve it.

Earlier in life, you've heard about us leaving David. My mother's husband. The man I though was my father. This was not easy. I hated him. I was angry. My father left me. I knew he wasn't, but I thought he was, and he wasn't around anymore. Did he miss me? Did he know I wasn't there.
At this point I didn't think about my real father, not a thought. He was gone for now, never to return.
A few more years later, My little sister left us to go and live with her father. David. And things were never the same again. I was forgotten. Lost and alone.

Isolated from my family for my intelligence, my father had left me, my new father hurt us. We moved so often I had no friends, my sister made my life miserable.
But I smiled. I was alive.
At a young age, little things mattered, life was full of plans and hopes. I would become something and someone. I would not be these people. I would not repeat the mistakes of the father.
I didn't want to be superman at this point. I wanted to be a man. But I was only a guest.

Times are skewed......

There are many smaller incidental memories that carry on from here until the next major chapter of my life.
let's visit a few of them before we arrive back in Queensland. This was the end of Primary School. The start of High School. Scary times ahead and the playing field would change.

Memories.....lonely ones. I'm not lonely, theyt just sit by themselves for the moment. Maybe the rest of the life that surrounds them will be found later.

• We lived in a small house with prickly pears behind it. Fields full of them. We would go out in the afternoon with a tennis racquet and hit rocks through them. Occasionally we would hit rocks up into the air. I have no idea what was originally supposed to be around this specific house, but it was away from the world and there was nothing within any kind of distance of us.
• I lived in a cupboard. Literally.
• I guess the cupboard needs some explanation, we had moved into a 1 bedroom house, and my mother and Paul decided my sister and I would share the room and they would use the loungeroom as a bedroom. After all who would come knocking in the middle of nowhere?
  Unfortunately as luck would have it, my sister did NOT wish to share, and convinced my mother that she should have her own room. And it was agreed. Where I would sleep had not yet been decided. And then genius struck them. I would live in the linen cupboard. Now don't be confused about my residence. It was a cupboard by any description. I slept on a hammock they had built and I had 2 shelves for my stuff. I could even close my door as i had a light and all.
  My shelves contained a collection of plastic soldiers only 1cm tall. And an Atari 2600 and about 50 games. This may seem a lot, but this is what poor people spend money on. Friends, relatives, and second hand shops had supplied us with MANY games at a very low cost. ( I beleive about 30 of them came from Telelist in one spectacular $12 purchase). Have I mentioned I didnt own a tv?
• We lived in a tractor shed. One end of it was sealed off into a 2 room 1 bedroom flat. Don't mistake this as a house next to the shed, it was very clearly the end of the shed sealed off. When living here I learned to light fires. No, I wasn't an arsonist. It was my job to light the donkey.
• I also learned to love watermelon. There is a life long love affair between me and watermelon. I used to buy them enormous, Large. MASSIVE. 12-18kg of watermelon. Which I'm sure I've mentioned already in the blog.
• Then we all moved to Queensland, once again to be near a relative, my mother seemed to grow lonely from time to time. So we followed my Aunt again, a few months behind.

If it mattered. If my life impacted here. it didn't feel like it did. I was only a guest.