Secrets and Lies

Well, no lies. As much as I love the quote, it is one of my favourite Simpson moments.
But there have been secrets, many of them.

And not all due to my lack of blogging.
Yes I did kill the blog on my own website and I'll move it back here. Which only means to continue to blog here. Not to move any of the old content.
It serves no purpose.

Lately I've been spending time away from the computer. Most of that has been on the phone to her.
She is all consuming. Not in a resource destroying manner, in an all encompassing, enticing alluring manner. In fact until yesterday when I was digging through old photos I forgot everyone else. The past indiscretions, strings pulling on my heart were all disconnected.

But she has been gone for days and I was filling in time, and I found photos. People, places, faces, smiles and it is all in the past.

Not to assume happiness is absent. Her presence makes me happier than anything has in a long time, I have achievements at work, I have corrected old friendships that became absent. And I have had horrible sadness.

As no-one knows. No-one in the world listens to or understands the troubles of being in here. The voices of reason and anger. The things I hold blame for. How do you accept something someone wants to do for you, their heart breaks by not taking it. But taking it breaks their heart.
There has been an ongoing cloud of darkness hanging over my ship. I'm not depressed, I am not physically ill. I have been in denial. I have ignored or struggled to come to terms with many things since I lost my family.
It was a difficult and complex time and I took a very long time to come to terms with these things. There were lovers, there were relationships, if only naming names was appropriate. And all of them were based on the wrong foundations.
I dated and then lived with someone working for me, I ran into, dug out and then chased after another blogger, I dated and spent time working on a relationship with someone who loved me more than I would ever love them. I courted my flatmates ex-wife.I spent my time filling other people's needs.
Each of these women needed something from me. it doesn't detract from who they are and my attraction and feelings for them were genuine. But they were more appealing to me than things should have been because it was about need. I didn't need to face to the noises inside if i was helping others.
A need for company, respect, to be treated like a princess, to be treated as an equal. And in the end all of them failed. Because as much as you need your partner, you also need you.
And as much as any of them may have made the decision to end or not even let it start. I was squarely in the middle of the decision. Actions or lack thereof have a profound impact on the responses by those around you.

As I have advised in the past and as some people are aware. I took control of my life some 6 months ago. Properly and completely, like I hadn't done for years.
My writing changed, my blogging changed, my photography changed.

I have advanced my position at work.
I have lost 13kg total.
I have gained some 15-20% more muscle mass than I had (and it hasn't gone unnoticed).
I write more.
I have devoted time to my own projects, where my heart and passion lies.

And I decided to remain single. The decision was solely based on me. I needed time to concentrate on me, so I moved, A great distance away from everyone and everything.
Hours on the train each day to think and contemplate. Minutes to get to my little girl.

And then I met her.
The sequence of events is mostly inconsequential.
I can state that I was removing my trail of logins from around the internet(as I do from time to time) and I was cancelling membership to a dating site.
A popup suggested I join a chat and I clicked it on a whim. Expecting a response from the web server that they wanted me to join. They didn't and I saw her.
Not being one to keep things online it moved off. (Side note, What the hell is the issue with people on personal sites who don't ever want to meet anyone face to face. It is a dating site, if you don't want to date people you're taking alllllll the wrong steps).
And we spoke.
And we continued to speak.
And then all was consuming.
Day, night, constantly.
And then she left. A trip, a holiday. Weeks of no contact, she would have no internet, no phone. We had just met, how could this be a problem.

And then email. Brief flirtatious, direct. Confessions. Only one email. I was the thought, I was the focus. I was all consuming.
Time ticks on and I smile. I awake to messages, I sleep with thoughts.
Warm lips, soft skin, smiles. Laughter.

I remain only a guest here. But I have been invited in.