Heartbreak.......

The things that hurt are the ones we ignore.

Truth's that spring on us from nowhere aren't as painful as one we ignored the clues for. Little hints the world throws and we ignore them.

I'd been ignoring the way bear felt for awhile.
She wasn't interested in me. WHy would she be, she had a husband. A child.
The things we would never do. The people we would never be involved with. Something deep inside adds them to the list. We do always want what we can't have.

But there were 2 almost consecutive realisations, and neither could be ignored.
The superman shirt was worn to work. This was as a lost bet. Dont get me wrong, it's my kinda shirt, but I didnt wear it to work......

So the Bear insulted me over the shirt. Charming too. A direct full faced slap of her opinion. She didnt mean it to be offensive. It just was. Which made it a little worse, because she saw me react and didnt twitch.

Then I got sick. An entire week off work.
Best friend messaged me constantly, he was concerned, as you are with your best mate.
The bear didn't. We had seemingly moved categories from inseperable to uncaring.

It is not unusual to notice that daily contact with someone suddenly doesn't exist. and it's not wrong to check on people.
But she didn't.

I would.

I would check on the whereabouts of any of the people I work with if one of them wasn't there for a week.
I guess the world has changed more than I realise.

And in some ways, I've left myself in the dark too.

What did I fall in love with? She was not who I thought she was. Is it an act on her part? Or wishful thinking on mine?

If only I was here permanently to find it out. .....

Secrets and lies

The world is full of secrets. Everyone has them. Dare I say even me? ( bit ironic posting that on an anonymous blog, but I digress...)

What makes a secret worth keeping?

There's a delicate balance between being open and honest with everyone and keeping the things they don't need to know. If someone they will never see again dislikes them for no reason, this doesnt help to share.

An attraction to someone you can't have............ Best kept inside.
And yet is it? Do we have the right to keep something from someone?

Is it wrong to feel something and not tell? is it lying?


From a Dido song.....

If I didnt tell you, then I'd still have felt it, and where's the sense in that

There's a lot of complications in doing the right thing. And we all should try and do the right thing. After all, aren't we all only a guest?

Taken Advntage of............or not

I worked with a girl I adored. (do you still have crushes at my age?)
And yes there seems to be a recurring theme involving women, just remember I'm 27, so there are a lot of stories. I'm only sharing some.

So, back to the story, I worked with a girl I had a crush on.
We chatted, flirted, sent emails etc.

I'd asked her out a few times, and she'd been busy. It does happen. Then one day I asked her again and she happened to be busy....

Me: So, you wanna come see Ocean's 12?
Her: Sorry I'm busy tonight.......
Me: Dammit, well when will you be available for me to take out?
Her: Oh no Kal, I didn't realise you were really asking me out. I'm seeing someone.

**insert the sound of heartbreak**

Time passes, there is a work function, we all talk, drink and then she pulls me aside....

Her: You know Kal, sometimes just because someone doesnt do something it doesnt mean they don't want to.
Me: uh-huh
Her: Sometimes people have other commitments or they already made a choice, but it doesnt mean they dont want to do something, or that they're not interested...

And this was all punctuated with rubbing of my arm.

At this point, it's firmly clear to me she was interested, but was already seeing someone. Story of all our lives, we move on.

Time passes, people get promoted, change roles and suddenly she's working in a similiar position to me. And she needs help, I get asked questions (which is fine I get asked a lot of questions at work) and for my opinion.
She starts asking me for more input, we work together on a few things. Commended together, praised. And then I hear she gets praised for a few things. A few things I did the work on.

This point doesn't get mentioned of course, it's just not polite.

And we've drifted apart away from work, phone calls aren't returned. SMS answered an hour later with a 2 word answer......

Have things just changed over time? Or have I been taken advantage of?

A wanting

There's an unusual feeling in wanting someone.

You think through the steps, rationalise what you feel.

Is this just a physical attraction?
Do they fill a single need I'm missing elsewhere?
Do they remind me of someone I miss?

And sometimes we find someone new, someone exciting, someone different.

What do you do? Is it polite and acceptable in the modern world to tell someone how you feel? I did. Why keep it inside, we're close, we talk. We've discussed how we feel.
And somehow the discussion makes it's way back to her husband.

Oh did I leave that out? It always seems to inspire more of a reaction from people.

Ye I adore her, and yes she is with someone. She's honest and comfortable. She knows how I feel and she really cares about me, but she has a husband so nothing goes on.

WHich only leaves the kiss you can't have. now that is something you learn to live with.

You sit at the bar with a group of friends, a few drinks you become relaxed, chairs move closer...
someone leans down to scratch their foot and suddenly you can feel their breath on you, the warmth of their skin, the room fills with silence and you are alone together....................