Taken Advntage of............or not

I worked with a girl I adored. (do you still have crushes at my age?)
And yes there seems to be a recurring theme involving women, just remember I'm 27, so there are a lot of stories. I'm only sharing some.

So, back to the story, I worked with a girl I had a crush on.
We chatted, flirted, sent emails etc.

I'd asked her out a few times, and she'd been busy. It does happen. Then one day I asked her again and she happened to be busy....

Me: So, you wanna come see Ocean's 12?
Her: Sorry I'm busy tonight.......
Me: Dammit, well when will you be available for me to take out?
Her: Oh no Kal, I didn't realise you were really asking me out. I'm seeing someone.

**insert the sound of heartbreak**

Time passes, there is a work function, we all talk, drink and then she pulls me aside....

Her: You know Kal, sometimes just because someone doesnt do something it doesnt mean they don't want to.
Me: uh-huh
Her: Sometimes people have other commitments or they already made a choice, but it doesnt mean they dont want to do something, or that they're not interested...

And this was all punctuated with rubbing of my arm.

At this point, it's firmly clear to me she was interested, but was already seeing someone. Story of all our lives, we move on.

Time passes, people get promoted, change roles and suddenly she's working in a similiar position to me. And she needs help, I get asked questions (which is fine I get asked a lot of questions at work) and for my opinion.
She starts asking me for more input, we work together on a few things. Commended together, praised. And then I hear she gets praised for a few things. A few things I did the work on.

This point doesn't get mentioned of course, it's just not polite.

And we've drifted apart away from work, phone calls aren't returned. SMS answered an hour later with a 2 word answer......

Have things just changed over time? Or have I been taken advantage of?

A wanting

There's an unusual feeling in wanting someone.

You think through the steps, rationalise what you feel.

Is this just a physical attraction?
Do they fill a single need I'm missing elsewhere?
Do they remind me of someone I miss?

And sometimes we find someone new, someone exciting, someone different.

What do you do? Is it polite and acceptable in the modern world to tell someone how you feel? I did. Why keep it inside, we're close, we talk. We've discussed how we feel.
And somehow the discussion makes it's way back to her husband.

Oh did I leave that out? It always seems to inspire more of a reaction from people.

Ye I adore her, and yes she is with someone. She's honest and comfortable. She knows how I feel and she really cares about me, but she has a husband so nothing goes on.

WHich only leaves the kiss you can't have. now that is something you learn to live with.

You sit at the bar with a group of friends, a few drinks you become relaxed, chairs move closer...
someone leans down to scratch their foot and suddenly you can feel their breath on you, the warmth of their skin, the room fills with silence and you are alone together....................

Lost forever

I sit here alone.

Where are the people I love?
This is the problem we face from building your own family.
Making one from your friends, choosing the people you love and trust.

When growing up, your family is with you. They are in the house, in your mind, you can see and hear them.

If you become afraid or lonely you can smell them in the air, or hear them breathing as they sleep.

But as we grow, and become stronger and more independent, the roles change.

You move to being alone, and then form your own family.
But it's not the same.

Something from life is gone.

There are new pleasures, new comforts, more things to make you feel at home.

But deep down inside, you've still lost something you had..........

I cant have her.......

She walks into the room and I see her.
Every time she enters the room I know.
Her scent, the way light shines on her.

I think about her.
Remember her.
Wish every phone call or sms was her.

And yet I can't have her. She has someone. And she knows I want her. That's the part that's hard.

She knows I adore her, and she also knows I would never do anything to ruin what she has.

Where is the line between following your heart and doing whats right?

I've been alive for 27 years, and I've spent 27 years trying to do the right thing. And it never works out.

It's like I'm living a comic book life.........
I do the right thing and someone gets hurt. Often it's me.........

A place to share......

I've decided to make a place to share.

My thoughts.
My feelings.

And the realities of being only a guest.