Sunday, 16 December 2007

it doesn't even matter

It was very surgical, quick, precise and brutal.
Phone calls stopped.
Emails stopped.
SMS Stopped.
We talk, she's tired, been talking to friends, things are tense. Relationship is tense. She has to go.

6 days later I get 30 seconds on the phone and it's over.
No reason, no explanation.
She just can't.

And again I don't belong.
Love lives here, but I am only a guest.

Sunday, 2 December 2007

Secrets and Lies

Well, no lies. As much as I love the quote, it is one of my favourite Simpson moments.
But there have been secrets, many of them.

And not all due to my lack of blogging.
Yes I did kill the blog on my own website and I'll move it back here. Which only means to continue to blog here. Not to move any of the old content.
It serves no purpose.

Lately I've been spending time away from the computer. Most of that has been on the phone to her.
She is all consuming. Not in a resource destroying manner, in an all encompassing, enticing alluring manner. In fact until yesterday when I was digging through old photos I forgot everyone else. The past indiscretions, strings pulling on my heart were all disconnected.

But she has been gone for days and I was filling in time, and I found photos. People, places, faces, smiles and it is all in the past.

Not to assume happiness is absent. Her presence makes me happier than anything has in a long time, I have achievements at work, I have corrected old friendships that became absent. And I have had horrible sadness.

As no-one knows. No-one in the world listens to or understands the troubles of being in here. The voices of reason and anger. The things I hold blame for. How do you accept something someone wants to do for you, their heart breaks by not taking it. But taking it breaks their heart.
There has been an ongoing cloud of darkness hanging over my ship. I'm not depressed, I am not physically ill. I have been in denial. I have ignored or struggled to come to terms with many things since I lost my family.
It was a difficult and complex time and I took a very long time to come to terms with these things. There were lovers, there were relationships, if only naming names was appropriate. And all of them were based on the wrong foundations.
I dated and then lived with someone working for me, I ran into, dug out and then chased after another blogger, I dated and spent time working on a relationship with someone who loved me more than I would ever love them. I courted my flatmates ex-wife.I spent my time filling other people's needs.
Each of these women needed something from me. it doesn't detract from who they are and my attraction and feelings for them were genuine. But they were more appealing to me than things should have been because it was about need. I didn't need to face to the noises inside if i was helping others.
A need for company, respect, to be treated like a princess, to be treated as an equal. And in the end all of them failed. Because as much as you need your partner, you also need you.
And as much as any of them may have made the decision to end or not even let it start. I was squarely in the middle of the decision. Actions or lack thereof have a profound impact on the responses by those around you.

As I have advised in the past and as some people are aware. I took control of my life some 6 months ago. Properly and completely, like I hadn't done for years.
My writing changed, my blogging changed, my photography changed.

I have advanced my position at work.
I have lost 13kg total.
I have gained some 15-20% more muscle mass than I had (and it hasn't gone unnoticed).
I write more.
I have devoted time to my own projects, where my heart and passion lies.

And I decided to remain single. The decision was solely based on me. I needed time to concentrate on me, so I moved, A great distance away from everyone and everything.
Hours on the train each day to think and contemplate. Minutes to get to my little girl.

And then I met her.
The sequence of events is mostly inconsequential.
I can state that I was removing my trail of logins from around the internet(as I do from time to time) and I was cancelling membership to a dating site.
A popup suggested I join a chat and I clicked it on a whim. Expecting a response from the web server that they wanted me to join. They didn't and I saw her.
Not being one to keep things online it moved off. (Side note, What the hell is the issue with people on personal sites who don't ever want to meet anyone face to face. It is a dating site, if you don't want to date people you're taking alllllll the wrong steps).
And we spoke.
And we continued to speak.
And then all was consuming.
Day, night, constantly.
And then she left. A trip, a holiday. Weeks of no contact, she would have no internet, no phone. We had just met, how could this be a problem.

And then email. Brief flirtatious, direct. Confessions. Only one email. I was the thought, I was the focus. I was all consuming.
Time ticks on and I smile. I awake to messages, I sleep with thoughts.
Warm lips, soft skin, smiles. Laughter.

I remain only a guest here. But I have been invited in.

Thursday, 8 November 2007


The difficult decision in life is the internal one.
The one you often don't realise is a decision at all.

I've decided to run wild with mine about people.
But I haven't reached a conclusion yet. The details are simple.

Are people on dating sites hypocrites?
Or is the average persons knowledge of their own psyche and social skills that appalling that people genuinely are unable to make the connection between reality and fiction.

The most common one that stands out is the "Honest" comment.
No in fact you are not. Because with-holding information is as bad as a fabrication.
Think back to court-room dramas on tv. "The truth, the WHOLE truth and nothing but the truth"
Even TV thinks you should tell the whole truth.

Hypocrisy #2: Please, only people who can spell, I h8 th1s knd of stuff from U.
And then they proceed to not punctuate anything. Surely a declaration of a hatred of poor grammar and spelling should not be followed by poor grammar?
Oh I forgot, the standard of what is acceptable is only a mirror. You can bastardise the language as much as they do, just not any further.
So in response " sorry sweetheart if you want to complain about language then youd best learn how to use it before you go off half cocked and declare other people to be hard to read".

Hypocrisy #3: Someone with a good sense of humour.
And every comment is responded to with "Sorry?" or " you've lost me"........
If you are massively incapable of relating any comment you make to either a pun or a famous movie quote then you are not looking for someone with a good sense of humour. In fact my good sense of humour means I find a huge variety of things amusing, and am happy to adapt and share.

Ok that's it.
I'm off to sleep, and i KNOW the blog isn't meant to be here. My internet access is slow and limited and I couldn't be bothered fighting with google to create a new one not linked here.

Asta Manana.

Sunday, 2 September 2007

Comments of others.......

In response...

1. We all think you do this. Every one of you, regardless of whether you claim to have these friends or not. Especially those of you with blogs. You're so used to "teling all" ;)

2. This one always made me wonder.. And I've had a fair percentage of partners say "only one before"....
And these weren't young ladies. In fact all of the few number of partners there have been I have known. EG name, all about them and so on. No club pickups.

3.We do this to you to. Well figuratively speaking....

4. Do not forget the past, can't know where you're going less you know where you been. And I don't need to win every moment do I. The fact I'm here and he's not is a firm indicator it didnt work with him!

5.Every sexual partner has shared the fantasies and what turns me on. It's a sexual relationship for a reason.

6. Good crying? And crying after you've broken up doesn't count.

7. Odd conversation........ but I've had discussions with partners about this...
I've only talked "dirty" to one partner. And in the end it was negative. I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't want to lower how I felt to something primeval.

Now I talk openly and very sexually as the time requires.
It's still very adult.....

But it's more of the "I love tracing this line from your cheek down your side, so many..........gentle.......curves" while highlighting said curves with the edge of a finger...
There is some more adult language used, but all in all it's tasteful.
Some conversations I think don't need to happen. And it's not what the moment is.... You might have a fantastic ass, it's not why I'm attracted to you though...

8. Oh sweet jesus mary and mother of god.
Is there a simple answer for this? For me? Yes.
I decided at the age of 16 to hell with it all. I said iot when I felt like it, I called when I felt like calling. Sure a few girls along the way distanced themselves, the others loved the attention and that I showed it.
No game playing, "wait 3 days to call her" I got told once after a great date. I called her halfway home and setup another one ;)

9. I have her sms :( If she leaves any voicemails I will keep those too ;)
I have all of the emails from my marriage.
It was a long period of my life and it's incredible to occasionally look back at my life. How I felt, talked, changed and grew.
I'm very nostalgic... and the bonus of ye olde photographic memory. Each email I read is in perfect context. I know when it came...... what I was doing......... and so on.

10. This is NOT everyone. And I hate it. If I ask you a question it means I want your answer to it. Do not play games and test me. I am here because we both want to. If you need to test me, then we don't want to be here.

11. You do not.

12. Got it, all over it.
Nothing is a clearer sign of wanting to be around someone than asking them out somewhere and chasing after them, after they tell you to leave ;)

13. Got it. As long as you do. Sometimes we'd love you to climb on our lap while watching tv, grab the remote and turn it off and then just look.

14. Are you completely mental? Why the hell would I flirt with someone else to flirt with you? If we're together I am onto you like white on rice.
I would punch the valet guy in the chest and not talk to you for 3 days.
That should be the manly behaviour you're obviously looking for.

15. Is it the rushing off to work? Or that all women love a man in a suit?

16. You'll have my attention as soon as you want it. No need to start a fight, just let me know you want it. Being present is enough to know you want it.
Standing between me and the TV is also an indication.... ;)

17. I get argued with for paying. One specific friend (only a friend, still a woman) always pays her share. When I pay before she can, she slips money in my pocket or something. And knowing her, it's about control. I would have control if I paid apparently.....

18. Not even gonna go there... eww fantasising about my friends......

19. We know you do.
Sometimes we get told.

20. I threw a portrait today. It was 5 feet tall..... it's 11 years old and has moved house with me 9 times. The wife ignored it in the shed. I don't know why I kept it, I never looked at it.
She's gone now. Bye Caroline.

That's an effective comment on a post if I've ever seen one ;)

Nothing permanent about it though. Only a guest.